The sign of the golden McArses: we're hatin' it.

If Lucretia can do it (and do it well) then so can I - here comes a rant.

Through my door when I got in tonight was a colourful voucher book from McDonalds emblazoned with the logo "good to see you again". This contains vouchers of a "buy one get one free" style to a value of £24.

Putting aside any nutritional comments, I'm wondering how many of these have been delivered. The levels of junk mail grow year-on-year and I'd wager that a very high percentage of this will pass from doormat to bin with barely a glance. Couldn't they donate the money it would have cost to do these to local charity and get their advertising that way. They'll still be self serving but somebody else also benefits.

Seeing as they seem to be jumping the gun and assuming I'm "going back" to them I feel it's only my duty to assume I understand what some of the parts of their flyer actually mean.


"the things that we've been doing to bring you an even tastier menu and more choices"

We've realised that our burgers have long since been rumbled and we're trying all we can to claw back market share by copying Subway's rolls, KFC's chicken and Starbucks coffee. We got left behind due to our arrogance and assumption that everybody wants to eat like the US and that regulars won't realise that the rest of the world had moved on.

"Breakfast well worth waking up for - We'll see you when you're ready"

Don't have a normal breakfast - come and start the day with something you have to pay for outside of what already exists in your house. Oh, but don't have a lie-in as our leaflets suggest as we'll have stopped serving breakfast before you come in.

"We're getting kids out there playing the beautiful game two muddy knees at a time"

We'll sponsor sports to give the impression that we're as healthy to eat as anything you can think of - but we'll brand everything so the kids have our name firmly in their heads. Muddy knees followed by pester power.

"We've got serious about salads.....try the tastiest greens this side of the meadow"

Work out what a salad a day would cost bought from the McGarden then what that could buy from your local greengrocer. I'd wager it's seen more field than the McProduct versions for a start.

"Pick up the kids and take them to McDonalds"

Start them young and let them soak up the bright colours and toys with the kids meals. Don't give them a chance to eat that sort of thing once they're old enough to decide for themselves - get it into their routine now.

"....and don't forget, wherever you go we're still McDonalds"

Exactly - for all the new lines and the fresh jingles they are still McDonalds. That's probably the most important thing to remember.

Now you may think I'm against burgers - I'm not.

Visit a local butcher, buy some meat and make your own. You'll know what's in it and be able to dress them with good cheese, fresh salad and good quality rolls. If it costs a little more then have it less often and wonder how chains do the equivalent so cheaply.

You may also think I'm against all junk food. Surprisingly, that's not the case either. Only two days ago I was eating a take-away curry.

I'm 37 and old enough to step back from all the gloss and marketing to make the choice for myself. I know from my diet how often I can indulge and what the items off-limits to me should be. I also know the tricks used by marketing to give the impression something is better or different than it actually is.

Finally, after reading that last point, you may be thinking I'm a hypocrite for singling out one brand or chain above the others, even having said that I'm not against fast food per se.

This is the crux of my comments. As much as it annoys me, it's not so much the McDonalds physical presence as the way it's pushed as being the place to eat, the treat for children and the healthy alternative. If they would just be honest and admit they're a fast food chain like all the others then maybe people wouldn't rant like this about them. If they looked at the whole way they present themselves and see the way we see them, in this far more savvy world, they'd realise just how obvious and open to ridicule they are.

Rant over. Sorry for taking your time but that leaflet was a step too far.